The Story Isn’t Over Yet.
Posted on July 19 2018
I’ve been waiting on this moment for 7 months. I’ve dreaded this interaction for 7 months. 7 long months I knew it was bound to happen at some point. 7 months drug by as I continued to avoid it. I did whatever I could to make sure it never happened. I thought about this for 7 months and cried every time it crossed my mind.
Tonight as I walked out the door my eyes were filled with tears. All of the what if’s, all of the could have been’s, all of the I wishes, every memory we ever had came into my mind. I had on the shirt the night we met. Not knowing I would see him when I put it on. The same as the night I met him. I wore the shirt as a joke the night we met. Now the shirt is surrounded with memories of him.
Tonight it finally happened. Tonight I was face to face with the thing that crushed me. I held Cayman’s hand as I tried to be strong. She laughed and played and told me how sweet he was. All I could think about was that could have been mine.
After 7 months I met his son. I held his son. His son smiled when he saw Cayman and I. Cayman played with him and held him. He laid his head on my chest as I held him. It was devastating. I held it together as much as I could. I was nice and interactive, but the moment I shut my door I lost every bit of composure I had.
I cried in the front seat as we drove home. Not knowing that I was upset, Cayman sat in the back seat and talked about how she wanted a baby brother. She wished he was her brother, if only she knew that I wished that too.
The day I found out he was having a baby, I messaged the Mom to Be on Facebook and told her about me. I told her everything. This was in December and she had never read the message until just a few months ago.
We were at dinner and I saw it come up on my phone. “Accepted your message request”. My heart skipped a beat because I knew what was to come. I stared at my phone until I saw his name pop up.
“How could you do something so stupid” he screamed at me. “What the hell did you tell her?” I sat in his silence as he continued on. I was shaking so badly I could barely hold the phone up to my ear. “What are you talking about” I said dumbly. “She just called me and told me that my girlfriend messaged her.” I replied to him and said “Yes I did.”
I waited and waited and waited for the moment she would message me back. I was scared for days until the message finally came through. She replied to me. I was nervous to open it because I had no idea what the message might say. She told me they were never exclusive and that I did not need to warn her about him. She said he was family now. She had his back. I prayed for her because she had yet to see the person that he was.
He still had control over me. I was upset because he was mad at me. He told me I was a rat and he couldn’t believe I would snitch on him. He told me I ruined his life and ruined things for him. He told me I should have kept my mouth shut and could have continued to be the mistress. Mistress, ain’t that some shit? I begged him for forgiveness. I cried on the phone and said I was sorry continuously. I was so worried about making him upset. I was so scared to make him mad at me.
Days passed and he refused to talk to me. Every time I would tell myself I was done, I would find an excuse to text him. Unanswered text after unanswered text displayed in our thread. I called and I begged. I tried to wake up from this nightmare that I was living. He told me if I took down my blog and retracted my false statements that that would fix things. Well buddy, here’s your blog post.
One day Cayman and I were in Uptown and I see him walking towards us. As fast as I could I jetted off into the cereal aisle, but he followed. He was picking up things for the baby. My hands shook as he talked to us. He tried to hug me like we were old friends. I was so sick to my stomach I passed my doctors office 4 times.
As I drove over there I prayed that he wouldn’t have his son. It was late so I knew the baby had to be with his mom. As we walked in, his mother said “Be quiet, the baby is sleeping.” As Cayman cheered and wanted to see him. My heart sank. I tried to get out of there but then he woke up. He walked into the room and picked him up and I had to fight back the tears.
I hate myself for missing him. I hate myself for thinking about him. I hate myself for not being over it. There are days I wonder if I ever will get over it. There are days I cry and wonder why God put him in my life. I try to tell myself there is a reason for it, but I can’t help but be angry about it. How long would I have to continue to feel this. Was my broken heart keeping me from ever moving on? It’s been seven grueling months. I have everything I could have ever dreamed of but my life still seems so unfulfilled.
I’m excited for mine and Cayman’s move. We are surrounded by some of the sweetest people and we have made amazing new friends. I know great things are to come. I know we are on a great new chapter in our lives.
I wanted to write this because I have portrayed such a happy image on social media. Things are going great, there’s no bad days, right? Everyone has bad days. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns. My heart still aches from something that was never real.
I am flooded with messages almost daily of women saying they look up to me because I’m so strong. I’m not strong. I’m still weak. I still have moments when I cry myself to sleep, but I’m making it through. Everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
If this is the first time you’ve read my story, I encourage you to go back to the first few entries I wrote. The first entry is titled “Found myself” about my trip to California. “The Aftermath” and “Two’s a company and Three’s a crowd” are also pieces to the story.