The New Me
Posted on January 15 2019
January 5, 2019
After a long pep talk from a good friend, I realized it was time to get my shit together. I have spent the last 365 days in a bottomless pit of despair and misery. I have had a year long pity party and months of attention seeking sadness. I became obsessed with the person I was on social media to make myself look better to cover up how much I hated myself on the inside. It became a game of just how happy I could seem to all of my internet friends. Women would come to me everyday telling me how strong I was and how much they looked up to me. No matter how sad I may have been I keep the game going. Somehow that got me through. I have never had any concept of money and spent every last dime I had made. That’s not an exaggeration either, every last penny I had was gone. I was very successful at one point but then I blew it all away. 2017 was a good year for me, I had it ALL. 2018 wasn’t the same story. The end of the year was absolutely gut-wrenching and I knew it was time to take back control of my life.
After the talk with my friend, he suggested I take a break from social media. He told me “I bet you anything, you can’t go 4 days without being on facebook.” When I thought about it, I knew he was right. I knew I probably couldn’t. I was obsessed with it. I was constantly checking it and comparing myself to others or thinking of what I was going to post next. I post funny things. I post my outfits. When he mentioned I couldn’t stay off of facebook, I immediately blurted out and said “That’s ridiculous, I make a living from social media. Theres no way I can stay off of it! I have a business to build back!” He started laughing and he said “Look at your facebook right now and tell me how many things on there have made you money and how many things on there are trying to impress people you don’t even know.” By this point I was more or less pissed off at his little speech but it hit me like a truck whenever he said those words. I knew most everything was nonsense that I usually post. As we continued to talk he said, “Just do the bare minimum.” He continued and said “Post what you need to continue the Palm, but throw out all of the bullshit.” I knew he was right. No matter how many times I hate admitting it, I knew I had a problem and I had to take back control.
That leads me to this and this outlet. I’m a chronic over sharer. If there’s a mental disease that the symptoms are over sharing, I’m pretty positive I have it. My dad hates to even look at my facebook because of all of the crap I share. However, I get the validation from some random person out there that tells me they are going through the same thing, so I continue to share every step of my life.
However, this time I think the oversharing of my new experience will be helpful. I have hopes that it will be helpful for many people, men and women alike, Our lives have became consumed with whats going on on social media. It’s either specifically posting a cute selfie as soon as that hot guy approves your friend request or bickering with your great uncle about his conservative views on the Wall. Whatever it may be, the human race can’t get enough with what is going on on the internet. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends from all over the world that I love to keep up with. I have friends that I've met on vacation when I was 16 that I have watched their entire lives unfold the past 10 years.
Even before I started this journey of life cleansing, I had already began facebook purging. It’s always a joke when people announce they are unfriending people on facebook, but trust me it’s the best thing you will ever do! From my businesses, connections, etc, I have a lot of random people on my friends list. I have probably way more than that is considered safe, but I enjoy meeting new people. Unfortunately the downside of that is there is a lot of bad eggs that have slipped through the cracks. Not long ago I started unfriending people as I would scroll. If I saw any negativity or blatant ignorance on my timeline, I immediately unfriended that person. Sure you might think, why don’t you just scroll past it? Sometimes, yes, I would just scroll past. However, if I am constantly seeing someone post horribly racist type of memes every single day, ALL DAY LONG. That is not the type of person I want to be friends with. So I began my journey of cleansing out the negativity. Honestly it has gotten so much better. I was to a point of finally being able to scroll through my timeline and not be angry the whole time.
January 6, 2019
My internal clock never fails. No matter where I am, what I’ve been doing, how much I’ve had to drink, or if I have been up all night long, I always have to pee at 5am. I am not kidding you it never fails. Of course I wake up and my bladder starts knocking. Normally after my 5am wake ups I will scroll on facebook until I finally fall back asleep. This morning I thought, nope I’m not going to do it. I responded to a few of the comments and messages people had left me, and then I began to delete. I began by deleting my social media apps, facebook, instagram, snapchat, and twitter. For me, snapchat has been the worst lately. I would post things and fret all day long looking to see if someone had seen them. I was becoming crazy about this. Snapchat had to go, because I was losing my shit.
After I deleted my social media apps, I thought, why not purge the rest of my apps while I'm at it? If I’m going to get my life back on track I have to get everything back into order. My personality type is “disaster” anyway, but I knew if I wanted to keep myself busy, I was going to have to tidy up my life. No I have absolutely not watched that new show on Netflix yet, but it’s coming.
People hate to even look at my phone because it’s a mess of notifications I haven’t checked and years worth of random apps I’ve downloaded and never deleted. Seriously, if there is an app for it, I’ve probably downloaded it as some point as a faithful iPhone user. There was everything on my phone from bookmarking the website for WiFi from that trip I took to that random hotel 5 years ago to a food app from a restaurant I ordered food from once. I began deleting, I deleted a lot, and I probably have 25 more I should delete but I’m psychotic and a hoarder so I can’t bear the thought of parting with my Starbucks app when I don’t even drink Starbucks.
Finally! I put everything into their little categories and my screen is now down to one page. This is a HUGE deal for me because in all honesty I probably had 12 screens. I had maybe 5 apps tops into a folder but the rest of it was a mess, because I’m messy.
Now that I’ve done that I'm bored and can’t fall back asleep. It’s 7:30am now and I’m wondering what to do next.
I’ve been writing, because I know the type of person that I am, and I need this. So luckily I enjoy writing, and I knew this would be a good journey to document. I keep picking up my phone about every 5 seconds, because I am a creature of habit who is looking for a facebook notification.
Unfortunately this morning I woke up with a cold, which honestly is probably a good thing. Today will be full of rest and healthy eating. Soup and elderberry syrup is on the menu. I had plans to start organizing my house, setting up my showroom, and doing some cleaning. However, it looks like that part of the journey might have to wait until later in the week.
I have no plans for how long I will continue this journey of “self”. I haven’t taken Facebook away from myself completely because that IS how I put food on the table, but it’s not as satisfying scrolling the timeline on a computer as it on a phone.
I might get to a point where I don’t need Facebook anymore. I mean right now I feel invincible but it has only been a few hours and theres probably only 3 people even awake right now on a Sunday morning, but I feel good about this. It’s always nice to step away for a bit. I have things coming up I need to study for, I have a website to rebuild, and I have a life that I need to take charge of again. I plan to use my writing as a way to give updates on how this goes for me. I know somedays will be hard and I hope my friends continue to text me the latest memes. I plan to read books, I plan to build the Whataburger restaurant out of legos with my daughter, I plan to watch new movies and watch documentaries. I plan to live a life for ME and not for who is watching me.
Let’s just say so far I am bored out of my mind. As soon as I wake up, I immediately check social media. I’ve been awake about an hour so far. I went back to sleep to try and rest because of this cold. I am almost positive I have scrolled through my email 200 times. I am thinking of buying a kindle again so I can have that to pick up and read. I absolutely LOVE turning the pages of an actual book, but I think a kindle will be good to have again. I have been working on merchandise for the store. I’ve done some reading this morning of a book I had in my nightstand. I thought about running down the street and grabbing a burger for lunch at one of my favorite spots, but I am terrified because I don’t have my clutch of social media on my phone to keep me busy. As much as I learned to love my alone time, I’ve always used my phone as a safety net. It looks like I will be taking a book with me to the bar! I might even build up the courage to interact with people around me or catch a Sunday football game on the TV. Self love takes one step at a time.
The first day is coming to an end. For a social media addict like myself, today has been total detox. Do you realize how bored I was when I went to the bathroom? I laid in bed this morning and stared at the ceiling. I’m truly a psychopath. I wanted to post things on snapchat and talk about funny things that happened on facebook, but what for? What is the purpose behind it? Do people really care about the funny things my 5 year old does? It’s a clutch for me and it’s hard to get away from that. Today hasn’t been as productive as I wanted, but I feel more relaxed. I don’t feel as stressed to see all of the negativity. I’ve been writing a lot today. I’ve watched movies. I have worked on my website.
The only hard part is my business is completely social media based. I made the decision to make a separate facebook ONLY to keep my business running. It has my face and nothing else. I added myself as admin to my group and I am only on that. The best of both worlds. I am decompressing yet I am still making money. Well that plan backfired on me. I’ve gotten nearly 2 million messages from people saying I’ve been hacked. I planned to just go completely radio silent on everyone, but I made a super short post letting people know I was disconnecting. Which I hate because I feel like it’s attention seeking and I didn’t want that. I want to disappear for awhile and now it’s like “Look at me, I’m going to be cool and detox from social media.” No I didn’t want to do that. Maybe i’ll delete the post. I haven’t decided yet what I’ll do. I just want to get away from everything. I need separation from the world.
January 7, 2019
It’s unbelievable how much better my battery has lasted since I’m not constantly scrolling for validation. I started reading a book called “Self Love Experiment”. I cried as I read the first few pages. I felt like I was reading my life. The author was overweight, hated herself, and felt like she was unworthy of love. She was a motivational speaker and a life coach but she still hated everything about herself. She still wasn’t living the life she was preaching. I cried as I read it.
I’ve lived a life where I am seen as influential and motivational, however I don’t fully live the life. I’ve never loved myself like I should. This time last year I was at my lowest point. My “boyfriend”, I use that term very loosely, had a girlfriend and a baby that would be born any day. I laid in my bed and would cry for days. Finally I set off for the west coast. I was on my first solo adventure. I learned a lot from that solo trip. At the time I thought I learned to love myself. I did love myself for awhile. I was so happy just being me. I was happy living alone. The hard thing was that feeling didn’t last for very long.
When I came home from Napa I was calm. I was still fighting the hurt but I finally had made a choice that it was okay to not be okay. As the year went on I moved to a new home, I bought a new car, and I was going to make a new life. I did make a really great life in Edmond, but then something snapped. I lost sight of the person that I had become. The darkness came seeping back in and my world became black.
When I started reading the “Self Love Experiment” I knew it was time to change. After my little pep talk I received on Saturday night I knew it was time to get my shit together anyway, but after I started reading I knew it was time to start loving myself. It would become my mission to be the happiest I have ever been. I have an appointment with a doctor to begin anti-depressants again. I want to take every step possible in the process of finding self love. In the book the author states she wants to become her best friend. Honestly, when reading it I had never thought of it that way. I just thought about finding a deep self love and happiness within. When she said she wants to become her own best friend, that really hit me hard. I’ve never had many true friends. I have a million acquaintances but true friends have came and went for me. That seemed like a great starting point for me. For me to find all the things I have been missing within myself. Whether it be the companionship of a man or the friendship of your best girlfriend.
I’ve been pretty grateful in my life that I haven’t had many worries. Even when things do get difficult, things usually work out for me. Besides my depression, I really haven’t faced many challenges in my life. Because of that, I face my challenges in men. I have always been attracted to the unavailable. I usually go for the lawyers, doctors, oil men, and any others that have more than a few zeros in their bank account. I am attracted to the men who are only attracted to me for having a pretty face. Sure, they might like my personality and my ability to carry a conversation, but these men will never take me seriously. So there it is, there is my challenge. I’ve convinced myself, just like the author, that I am not worthy of real love. So I continue to chase something that isn’t real. I chase something that is a fantasy. I’ve had a lot of fun, but I’ve never been taken seriously by these men. It’s never been the money I was after, I have my own money. I go for the playboys, the ladies men, the men who are married to their jobs. Enough is enough. I am important and I am worthy. I am worthy of true love. I am worthy of true love when true love finds me.
I decided to launch my business. Officially. I needed something to stay busy. I needed something to focus on and I knew it was go time. I was ready to start. My inventory pictures weren't up yet but I needed to get started doing what I loved. I was ready to begin selling. I’m not sure if it was the best call because I am stuck looking at my phone, however on this journey of self love I needed to start back on my journey of what makes me me happy.
I closed my business originally because I was consumed with a man like I had previously described. He was a ladies man and I was there for the chase. I was playing the game and I got my heart broke. An attractive older man broke my heart and I went spiraling down into a rut. I lost sight of who I was and what my life was about. Clothes no longer made me happy, nothing made me happy at that point.
When I decided to start truly loving myself I knew my job was the option. No matter how horrible I felt about myself if I could make other women feel good about themselves then thats what mattered. This time around I want to be the one to feel good about myself.
January 9, 2019
Supposedly Cedar pollen is at an extreme high right now. My eyes are swollen, my throat is scratchy and I would like curl up under the covers with my Kindle and my sweat pants on. Luckily, I have a busy day ahead, training, post office, work, and more I have on the schedule for the day. I’m glad my day is busy because I’m getting sad. Another part of my experiment has been not reaching out. I mind my own business. I have been getting lonely, but this is part of it. I have to be happy with that loneliness.
I’ve been trying other ways to keep my mind occupied. I woke up early this morning and made food for my lunch so I wouldn’t spend any money. I’m trying to save and be smart about my funds. I’m not quite sure how long that will last but this is all apart of the process, the journey to a happier and healthier me.
This morning, while I was lying in bed, I began to think about what it really was I was trying to get out of this. First off, I knew I’d be on a much better track if I didn’t start this while sick. However I truly started to think about what the answer was. I knew I wanted to be happy, I knew I wanted to love myself, and I just knew what the answer was to my problems, but how did I get there? Thats where I was stuck. I wanted to be the best I could be, but what did that even mean?
What did it mean to be the best I could be? I couldn’t tell you because every morning I wake up thinking I’ve failed. Thats the cool thing about this trek through life is I am on the quest to find out just what it genuinely means to be the best I can be. In my life I’ve always been scared of rejection. Whether it be from my friends, men, failing tests, businesses failing, or even customer satisfaction. I’m terrified of failing in life. I’ve decided my first step in being my best self is accepting failure, which absolutely scares the shit out of me. For me being the best I can be means it’s okay to not be great sometimes.
January 15, 2019
Well, my inspirational journey to self love and true self lasted a matter of 6 days. My business was going straight under from the lack of interaction, which sucks. So I headed back to social media, I texted the guy I was trying to ignore, and I fell right back into my same path.
I had these hopes to make things great. I had this vision of loving myself and being the best that I could be. Finally I realized the best person I could be was that person using social media to build a life, it was that person texting a guy who made her feel good, and it was about loving every single flaw she had. That completely awful and shitty person I wanted to get away from was the person who was digging herself out of a shallow grave and reclaiming her life. There wasn’t anything wrong with the person I was. I was loving myself and I was working on myself and my business. I was so wrapped up in not being good enough that I lost sight of what I had accomplished.
I was trying so hard to be loved or to feel great or to feel like I had really done something in life that I didn’t realize the things I already had in life. I had love, I have a precious daughter who loves me more than anything. I do feel great, I am back on anti-depressants and that knowledge of knowing this medicine will help me, does make me feel great. I have accomplished a lot in my life. I’m starting a business over completely from scratch. I’m starting my business during a time when all you ever see on social media is someone selling you something, yet I still have the same customers who want to buy from me and that makes me pretty damn proud of myself.
My last thought on the 9th was it’s okay to not be great sometimes. That’s something I still continue to think about, well, because it’s true. We all put so much pressure on ourselves to be these incredible people who our parents are proud of and who has all of these friends and these super hot significant others. Society makes us believe we have to be something we are not. In 2019 my goal is to be me. I’m weird, I’m annoying sometimes, I’m overbearing, and I love way too hard, but thats what makes me. I don’t want to change the person that I am, just maybe practice on backing off a little when it comes to boys.