After a breakup you will feel like you are on a never ending roller-coaster of emotions. You go from hating men to wanting to “move on” the first time a guy compliments you. As for me, I’m in the “do you girl” stage. I’m doing me and I’m here to explain a little bit of that for you.
I will start this by saying I am still incredibly sad. That sadness has not went away by any means, I am just learning how to cope with it a little better. In my last entry I wrote about how I never realized I was sad. I never let myself mourn the loss of the relationship I was in. Now that I’ve realized my “sadness” I’ve learned how to deal with the emotions I’m experiencing. The past several months have drug by. I have been turning my wheels waiting to see the light at the end. Am I “over” what happened? Absolutely not. No one experiences something traumatic like that and just says “OKAY!” and moves on with their lives like nothing happened. My little heart will need time to heal and with lots of self love we will both come out just fine.
Now, let’s get down to the plans I’ve made for myself on my continuous journey of love and self discovery. Life after break up’s are actually kind of scary. You’re back on the market and the thought of dating makes you want to vomit. It’s been five months and the thought of it still makes me dizzy. Have I probably turned down a REALLY nice guy in this time? Well more than likely but it will be fine.
For years and years I have despised the saying “You have to love yourself before anyone else will be able to love you.” Literally I would quit texting people or communicating with them if they told me that. I was convinced that some man would love the good, bad, and the ugly about me regardless of my mental state. Well, I still do believe the “man for me” will be someone who does accept those flaws because my mental health is a big part about me. Anyway, I have decided to work on ME. I want to look in the mirror and love every inch of myself. I don’t want to depend on someone else for my happiness. I want to find that deep deep self love buried under all of the self depreciating hatred I have for myself. Instead of looking in the mirror and being disappointed in my cellulite I want to look in the mirror and smile because of the way my hair looks. I want to find the good in myself. I have strengths and I want to acknowledge the good things. I want to be able to accept a compliment without saying, “but…”. I want to love myself so somebody else CAN love me too.
As I stated previously, the thought of dating is nauseating. I’m scared to get attached to someone, i’m scared they won’t like me, I’m terrified they will use me, and most of all I can’t imagine being manipulated like I once was. So I have decided to date myself! I must say, I’m pretty fun to hang out with too. I’ve always been one who is big on attention from men. I’ve craved it. I have always needed that reassurance that someone is “interested” in me. In my sad state I've realized that I could careless anymore. I’m okay with being alone. The conversation is great here and there, but I won’t continuing waiting by the phone anymore.
The biggest step for me was deleting the dating apps off my phone. I would spend countless hours swiping through men I had no interest in just because I would think my prince charming was somewhere in there. Sometimes I would swipe right on guys I didn’t even find attractive. I would just want attention from someone. It truly turned into this psychotic habit of finding the one. The moment I deleted those apps was a sigh of relief for me. Maybe I’ll write a 10 step program to finding yourself. I will probably make this one of the beginning steps because it’s a good one.
This past Friday I woke up and realized I had went an entire day and not once did I text him or even considering texting him. Thursday was spent at my new job, dinner, and then drinks with a friend. I was living the life that I was wanting. I went through an entire day and was actually pretty happy. Now it’s rolling into Sunday night and I still haven’t talked to him. I haven’t had any urge to talk to him. As I said, I’m still sad, but the sadness will continue to hang around for awhile. It’s to a point of no longer caring. It’s a battle I was never going to win. No matter how much I thought he loved me and no matter how much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I was just one of many in his life. I am now to a point where I “get” it. I’m living for me now. I’m no longer living to be the person I thought he wanted me to be.
During my path of self discovery, I have decided a new plan for myself. Even though marriage may be awhile down the road for me, this plan I’ve put in place might take just as long. Before I marry (again) I plan travel. I want to see the places I’ve always wanted to see. I want my little girl beside me and we are going to see the world. Our lives won’t depend on a man telling us we can or cannot go somewhere. I want to see the Eiffel Tower, I want to go on a Safari in Africa, I want to visit Poland, and then I want to see Normandy Beach, where my grandpa stormed the beach on D-Day. I have a list of things I’d love to do in my life and I don’t want someone to stop me from accomplishing any of it.
The ending of this may surprise you. I’m not hating on men or wishing they would fall off the face of the earth (well maybe). I would love some companionship. Everyone needs some type of lustful relationship. I’m not looking for my next husband nor am I really looking at all. If someone wants to go to the movies, I’d love too. If someone asks me to the dinner, that’s great! I could find some time. Drinks after work? Let’s pick a patio! I would love to feel some compassion from the opposite sex, we are wired to want that. However, if I don’t talk to another man for the next six months I am almost positive I will be just fine.
I encourage each of you to open your eyes and your hearts to something new. If your heart has been broken, it will take time to heal. Learning to be solo has been one of the hardest things for me. Even just walking into a new restaurant is scary most of the time for me. From my solo trip at the beginning of the year from attempting to haggle the price of a new car, I have came a long way from the night that I met him. I was lonely, broken, and looking to be saved. Now I am working towards becoming the best person I can be. I am working to become a damn good mother and a damn good role model for someone who may be following my story. I am a voice for all of those too scared to share. I am here to show that you can walk through the fire and still come out alive.