It has only been four months but it feels like an eternity. Every night when I lay my head down and every morning when I start my day, it’s still hard to believe that it’s real. When I think about it a swarm of emotions come over me. I get angry at the fact the thoughts still fill my mind. I try to stay strong but behind closed doors I still cry. I still get upset. I still think of the what if’s. Most of the time I blame myself. Four months later it’s still hard to make myself realize I wasn’t the problem.
For those who are just getting in on my story. You have a lot of catching up to do. For those of you who have been wanting more, I’m sorry this might not be as exciting as what you were hoping.
When I came back from California I was on a high. I had taken my first solo adventure and I was learning more and more about myself as the days went on. However, the easy days were filled with just as many hard ones. As soon as I would be thinking I had things figured out, he would send me pictures of his son. On days when I told myself I wouldn’t let him hurt me, he would call me and tell me about his girlfriend and his baby. I told myself that I could do better, I told myself I was worthy, and I swore to myself I would never let him continue to do those things. In my mind I had moved on. I was strong and I was ready for what was next. Unfortunately my heart didn’t feel the same way. I could never let myself block him. Every time my finger would reach for decline my heart would interfere and I would answer the phone just like I always had.
I’m not writing this for you to feel sad for me. I don’t want you to feel like i’m still stuck with him. I want to be real. I want you to be reading this and know you are not alone. Break up’s are hard and that’s okay. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to not be ok. You can cry, you can scream, and you can answer that phone call. No one can tell you any differently. Don’t let your friends shove it down your throat how terrible he is. If you were anything like me, you knew that years ago. As women we can take a lot of shit. My mom would always say, “You’ll know when you’ve had enough.” Trust me, when that time comes, you will know. It might be 6 months and it might be 6 years. When you’ve finally had enough, it will become crystal clear to you.
The months since then I have tried dating, I’ve talked to guys, and I’ve flirted at bars. I’ve done everything I could to get a little satisfaction in my life for once. I was broken and empty but I promised myself to not go down the path I was once on. I’ve searched for answers at the bottom of many of glasses of whiskey. It seems the good guys I do find I end up running them off within a matter of a few days. The most I know how to do is flirt. I can pick up a guy but I don’t know how to keep him. I get scared and my wall immediately goes up. I have an issue of going with the flow. I’ve met some truly incredible men, some of which might even be reading this. I’ve reconnected with great friends. The issue is, I’m desperately searching for someone to fill that void. When in reality, my future husband could be in my inbox right now but I won’t give him the time of day.
In March I had plastic surgery, people talked about me and said I was using it as a way to cope with my feelings. Have I used my new body to numb my pain? Sure. Have I wanted this procedure done way before I met him? Absolutely. After the trauma he caused me, my self esteem was shot. I gained a lot of weight, I hated the way I looked, and I didn’t even want to leave my house. Even though it’s thanks to a phenomenal surgeon, I have my confidence back. It has been 2 weeks post op and I feel incredible. I love the way that I look. I love the way that clothes fit me and most of all I love my thigh gap.
It’s four months later and I am still trying to find me. As I unloaded the plane from California I knew I had found myself. I was ready for a life of adventure, travel, and believing in myself. I had so much confidence spilling out of me. As I’ve tried to live my life since that weekend, things just aren’t the same. I’ve lost that free spirit I gained while I was away. As much as I preached happiness and independence it’s taken me this long to realize it was still a break up from a long term relationship and it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to be sad about that person you’ve lost. I don’t care what anyone says. You can’t forget about someone overnight.
If you’re still reading, I promise I have a point. After four months I’ve realized my issue isn’t me blaming myself, my issue isn’t that I'm unlikable, and my issues aren’t because I don’t believe in myself. After four months I’ve never let myself have those moment. I cried when it first happened, but the trauma I experienced wasn’t something you get over in a week. So for those of you that have went through this the same time as me or maybe you’re still getting over a breakup. Listen to me when I say it’s okay to let yourself be sad. You don’t have to be strong all the time. I have had this show I’ve had to put on. I’m cool, laid back, I travel, and now I have a new body to show off for summer. I can pick up hot guys in bars and I can flirt like no tomorrow. At the end of the day I am still really sad. No matter how much I smile on social media. My heart was still broken and I am still not over it.
To the girl who is trying to be strong, let yourself shed those tears. I promise it’s going to be okay.