Depression Sucks

Depression Sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. Depression hurts your mind and your soul all the way through your skin and down to your bones. Depressed is a term people throw around very loosely. “Yeah girl, I’m depressed af today.” Are you depressed Helen or did you just have a fight with your shitty boyfriend? 

For those of us who do suffer from clinical anxiety and depression, you know the feeling I described. It’s painful. Everyone has their remedies of ways to make us feel better. Try a walk in the park or this new blend of organic tea I’m selling for $75. No, Elizabeth, I can’t even breathe right now because I just had a panic attack. What makes you think I have enough energy to go for a stroll?

For me, my anxiety and depression is a constant battle against each other. I’m scared as shit to even walk out the door sometimes, eventually I make it there but then my depression causes me to want to lay on the ground and cry. 

Speaking of crying, I’ve done a lot of that this past week. I cried hysterically in the drop off line today and had to muster up a smile when the sweet teacher asked if I was okay. What was I suppose to tell her? Oh yeah I’m fine my life is just falling apart. Please close the door so I can go home and sit on the floor of my shower so no one can hear me scream. 

Depression sucks when you have kids. Depression sucks all the time, but depression really sucks when you don’t know how to explain it to those sweet babies.  What are you suppose to say when they ask why you are mad or why you are crying? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve used the phrase “Mommy just gets sad sometimes.” Mommy is sad a lot these days. 

Mommy is sad about a lot of things. Traumatic memories have came back into play, bills are piling up, and the loneliness is creeping back in.

Many years ago I was almost admitted to an inpatient mental health facility. I was at a very bad place in life. One of the lowest points I’ve ever been. I’m scared a lot that I will fall back there. Every time I buy liquor for my house I’m scared I won’t stop. I did outpatient treatments three times a week. I didn’t have time for much of anything else besides therapy. I look back on those days and I remember how scared I was and how badly it hurt.

Depression is something that affects millions of people. Some people fight it their entire lives. During my lifetime I’ve learned to deal with it. Depression has became like my ugly stepsister I can’t get rid of. She wants to hang out but I’m like ew no you’re weird but she invites herself along for the ride anyway. We spend more time together than what I would like. I try to get rid of her but she’s always there. She lingers around until that point when I can’t force her off of me any longer.

Depression sucks, especially when people who have never been depressed try to give you their opinion on depression. You know which ones I’m talking about? My ex, you know the shitty one, yeah he would always tell me to think differently. Oh, sure, like I’ve never tried that one before. He would tell me if I would just think happy thoughts I would be fine. Ok sure, let me just picture myself in a bed of roses. That should do the trick. 

I live a good life, I live a really freaking incredible life. How are you depressed when you have money? Wow, actually I don’t have any money, for one. Secondly, I’m here to tell you that money doesn’t buy happiness. You know what money does buy? Lots and lots of therapy. I’m sad as shit, but at least I have nice things? No it doesn’t work that way. Depression is the same in a nice house as it is in a cardboard box. Depression doesn’t discriminate. It effects everyone the same. 

I’ve had an issue with running away from my problems. Honestly, I was lucky enough to never have to face them. I ran from them but they followed me. When I made the decision to move I just knew I was finally going to begin living the life I wanted. I was going to make that life for myself. I love every single part of living in Deer Creek, but the literal chemicals in my brain are still causing me to be upset. 

Don’t ever be ashamed of having depression. Depression sucks, but it’s okay. I have always been very open with my struggles because I know there are people doing better than me and I know there are people doing worse. I have always advocated for breaking the stigma of mental health. People look Mental Health Facilities the way they look at Planned Parenthood. People look at you like you are a leper and going to infect them with your disease. Stop looking at me Jennifer, you probably have depression too, you just say you’re exhausted because you’re a mom. Go to the doctor, you need help too. 

If you suffer from any type of mental health issue, always remember I am hear to talk. I love each and every one of you. Thank you for always being there for me when I need it the most. This is my outlet and I’m glad you all listen to me, the good, bad, and ugly.


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